A takeaway from my Dad’s passing:

A habit I notice is the tendency to perceive those we are close to through the thinking mind. This energy lives in the head and is constantly spinning stories about who we are and who others are. It’s often referred to as the ego, and it’s a self referential story that is always in the background of your life if you are inclined to notice. 

These concepts are helpful in defining the world, and organizing it simplistically so that we can solve problems, but they never really touch the experience of life itself. Think about how you could never describe the color blue without experiencing it directly. Concepts can only dance around what blue really is, describing it relative to other concepts.

We spend so much mental energy trying to shape people to our liking, and projecting concepts on those we love, that we practically never experience them directly. People don’t realize how pernicious all of the tiny corrections, and rejections are to genuine connection.
The fundamental mistake is that other people are a commodity that fulfill all of our existential asks, rather than that they are a soul to be witnessed.

This is not to say that people should not be held accountable.

My father was ill with all the bitterness that addiction brings. He pushed away many of those who cared about him, and the “story” in his mind was so strong that nothing could penetrate his misery. I spent a lot of time trying to offer practical ways he could improve, heal, and change to no avail. I was gentle, I was harsh, and I often criticized him freely in ways I regret. 

But nothing would bring insight. And after many years of threats against himself, the end would be undeniably plausible. My intention changed to this: be tempered on the days I was angry with him and avoid making life worse. And when the days where I felt compassionate inevitably came back, I would reach out when the wind was at my back.

The last time I saw him was Christmas. I gave no advice. I did not admonish or criticize. I just spent time with my Dad, exactly as he was in that moment. I brought him some chocolates which he ate all in one sitting, and I laughed. He showed me his favorite country music videos, and he spun me all the stories in his head that I already knew so well. 

It sits well with me to have had the opportunity to love him one last time, in the peaceful simplicity that is just existing together with nothing added beyond the experience itself.

Do not take this as a suggestion to give up on those who are struggling, as many will recover with the right support. But do not miss the opportunities to just be with those you love when the conditions arise. And if you are with people in your life who are not exceptionally difficult, don’t miss the opportunity to simply be with them, by ruminating on all the details of who they are that may or may not come to be.